what did i hate as a kid but love now?

welcome to introspection ft. harsehaj! ⭐️ i’m harsehaj, an 18 y/o always up to something in social good x tech.

this publication is a place for me to reflect on a new topic daily, and send it to your inbox. if you’re new here, sign up to tune in! you reading this is keeping me accountable, so thank you for that. as a treat, i drop cool resources/opportunities at the end. 💌 

btw, feel free to reply with topic ideas you want me to write about for future posts.

onto today’s topic: what did i hate as a kid but love now? 👶

my childhood at home and at school were vastly different growing up. at home, i was never alone. i always had my younger siblings or the neighbourhood kids ready to play another impromptu game of soccer. at school, however, i didn’t have a consistent friend to turn to. when my elementary teachers announced that we were picking partners for yet another group project, i would just awkwardly make eye contact with the blackboard as everyone else turned to their best friends excitedly.

i hated being alone, and the stark contrast i experienced daily left me hating this gap even more as a kid.

all throughout elementary and middle school i latched onto any possibility of making a friend. it was really superficial, and that’s exactly why my friendships were never consistent. i was forming “friendships” to reach a certain status — not because i genuinely wanted to form a meaningful connection.

fixing this mindset wasn’t a quick flip. it was deeply rooted in my hatred and fear of being alone. so, the only way to solve it was to fall in love with being alone.

🔥 hot take: quarantine was actually amazing for me. i was forced into solitude. i was forced to live in a situation i hated the most. i was forced to pick up hobbies i enjoyed doing alone. i was forced to develop my own music taste. i was forced to find my style.

in the end, i was forced to love being alone.

and it worked. i guess exposure therapy has some merit to it. 😭

even after quarantine (which went on wayyyy too long), the enjoyment i found being alone remained and i was finally able to make real friends that i care about as people, and not as status symbols. 

yes, i had friends before quarantine, but after learning to love solitude, we’ve grown incomparably closer. 💌

i love quality time with myself, and the more i’ve grown to love it, the more i’ve been able to make genuine, long lasting friendships. pretty cliche but you really have to learn to love spending time with yourself, before others can love spending time with you and vice versa. (:

cool finds of the day 🔍️