unpacking vulnerability

welcome to introspection ft. harsehaj! ⭐️ i’m harsehaj, an 18 y/o always up to something in social good x tech.

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btw, feel free to reply with topic ideas you want me to write about for future posts.

onto today’s topic: unpacking vulnerability 🎭️ 

i’m not a very openly vulnerable person, and that’s something i’m working on.

women are often put into this boxed assumption that their emotions lead all decision-making. as a kid, i witnessed this difference in how emotions were received from men vs. women really early on. ⚖️ when a woman would be upset, the response was always “how dramatic, she’ll get over it." however, all of a sudden when a man would be upset it would be, “uh oh, something is serious.”

to me, vulnerability was seen as a weakness, and a way for people to look down on me. my habits, mannerisms and persona shaped its way around this, and to this day i find it hard to uproot the seeds this mindset planted within me. 🌱 i know vulnerability is such a beautiful sign of strength, but my history with friendship and fear of losing relationships keeps me away from being open about it.

if i had the option of spilling my heart out to a group of strangers that i’d never meet again, or confess to a friend that i’m upset, i’d choose the former in a heartbeat.

it’s such a foreign concept for me to tell someone that i’m upset with them, or that they’ve done something that hurts me. 🩹 i’ve grown up just taking it. taking it in stride because apparently enduring would improve my mental fortitude. complacency with mistreatment doesn’t do that at all. i know my close friendships run deep, but i still fear losing them by introducing any sort of disagreement.

it’s a few layers of discomfort piled onto each other that make it challenging for me to be openly vulnerable with others. i can do anything with confidence, but when it comes to being openly honest and communicative about my emotions, i falter.

even this post alone, admitting that it’s hard for me to be vulnerable, is a huge step for me. i typically leave these thoughts to fester in my head — i don’t even write them anywhere in fear of them becoming more real. for me, the less i acknowledge how i’m feeling, the faster i believe i’ll get over it and move on. 😵‍💫 

it’s an unhealthy mindset, and i’m being more intentional about improving it. writing it all out and accepting that it’s okay to feel is the first push. having vulnerable conversations with people in my life is still scary to me, but eventually i’ll get there.

what’s your relationship with vulnerability?

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