i suck at affection

welcome to introspection ft. harsehaj! ⭐️ i’m harsehaj, a 19 y/o always up to something in social good x tech.

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onto today’s topic: i suck at affection ❤️‍🔥 

i’m not a very affectionate person.

i will not lean my head on your shoulder without debating it in my head for at least 10 minutes. nor will i run up and hug you on our first meeting without strategically texting a joke about it before to get a green light.

one of my best friends is the most openly loving people i know. she’ll give me the warmest hugs, tell me she missed me despite seeing me the day before, and wear her heart on her sleeve.

i admire her ability to make others feel so warm with her love, and wish to do the same for her and everyone i care about in my life. it doesn’t come so easy to me though.

i’ll type out “i miss you” and stare at it in contemplation, put off by my “mushiness.” 😬 

i’ll think “ew, that’s cringe,” and then backspace the text.

that open vulnerability required for admitting to affection is something i haven’t yet become comfortable with. those rare moments that i do are huge leaps of courage for me (so, if you’ve received an “i miss you” text … just know it took a lot out of me 💀).

even though i have so much love for certain people, i’ve built walls around myself to come across as tough and uncaring. but i care a lot, it’s just hard for me to show it. i’ll show it in wanting to spend time with them. through actions and noticing their little quirks. through stopping at nothing to see them smile.

i’m unsure why i’m wired like this — why saying “i appreciate you” out loud is so far-fetched. 💫 

one hypothesis is because nobody in my life, besides my family, has ever stuck around for very long, until i met my best friends in 9th grade. my affection was validated by the strength of our relationship, and only in the last year have i finally felt comfortable expressing it. they’ve healed a part of me that was wounded by shitty friendships.

because of them, i’ve opened myself up more. instead of overthinking affection and mulling over reciprocity, i’m learning to show love.

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